Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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