I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
