the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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