when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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