So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
