i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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