Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
