VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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