sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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