My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
