rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
