wrigley field is MILF paradise
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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