While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
