Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
