dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
