just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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