I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
