He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
