Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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