at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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