I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
