i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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