The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
