i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
