last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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