she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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