I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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