Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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