forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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