When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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