You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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