The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
