My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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