When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
