i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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