dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
