i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Text me some of your sweat
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