i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
