Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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