So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
