You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
