Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
