Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
