Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
being pregnant is like rehab
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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