i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
