Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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