Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
