her facebook's as public as her vagina
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
