Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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