Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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