i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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