Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
